We're all looking for helpers, let's be the helpers.

    This is how I will spend most of my quarantine time, washing eggs and calving babies. For us, this time of social distancing is pretty much life as normal. I have to admit I get a little antsy when I think about not being able to see people and hug them. I am an extrovert in its purest form. I love people!!! Needless to say I am hopeful this thing doesn't come to full lock-down or things are gonna get really weird in this house! I do however think an absolute lock-down would be Scott's dream come true, that is until he realized it meant the kids and I are never leaving his sight. Someone would be living in the barn I am sure.
      As much as we all are trying to enjoy this time of isolation with our families, there are people who are living in a actual hell during this time. Imagine living with a ticking time bomb in your house, and not just any bomb but a bomb that is on tight rope, with a hair trigger. Each day you get a small break from the fear of setting it off when getting to go to work, or school or running errands. Now imagine being quarantined inside with that bomb all day with the stress of kids home all day everyday, possible unemployment looming and no way to know what's coming next. This is exactly how so many men, women and children are living out the quarantine with an abuser in the home. This has been on my heart because I know what it is like to be stuck in the house with no way to get out. My abuser frequently went through times of unemployment and as discussed in last weeks post he kept me from working a better portion of our relationship. Those days were so long, scary and exhausting because you spend every minute walking on eggshells and trying to diffuse the bomb. I have heard a lot of people quote Mr. Rogers about "looking for the helpers" and in this time of social distancing it may seem impossible to be a helper to anyone who might be in an abusive relationship. But alas! I am here to tell you you can!! I would like to share with you a couple of "helpers" that still bring tears to my eyes and give me all the feels. I just know the people who reached out to me were angels placed ever so perfectly by the Man upstairs to give me hope and help me know I was loved enough to do the hard task of getting out.
     About midway through our relationship things had escalated to their peak and there was extreme physical and mental abuse almost every day. We had gone to Wal-Mart and while there he got upset about something (it's hard saying what because honestly somethings were all in his head and wouldn't stand out to me or anyone else.) He got rough with me and grabbed my arm and whipped my arm with a leather strap on his key chain all while being verbally abusive. He noticed them first, the two young men at the end of the aisle and told them to mind their own business. When I turned I saw two young men probably in their mid 20's standing there staring at him with their arms crossed. He told them again mind their own and leave. The one young man said "I think we're fine right where we are." My abuser grabbed me and we walked for several aisles and at each aisle they were there. Making sure I was ok. I remember leaving Wal-Mart that day and they watched us to the car. I have no way of ever knowing who those young men were but I will never forget how they made me feel safe from a distance and showed me a glimpse of a strength I couldn't muster at the time.  They had no idea what could have happened to them, but they wanted him to know they saw him and what he did was not ok.
     Another angel that showed me grace was a cashier at a gas station right towards the end of our relationship. I was working at a restaurant and I had the closing shift. I cleaned up and headed out the door while chatting with a male employee. There was a hill behind my work with a parking lot on top and I didn't pay any attention as a I left. I pulled into a gas station down the road to get some cigarettes. (So thankful I kicked that habit!) When I parked my abuser pulled up next to me and I can't tell how sick of a feeling it was. I knew immediately he wasn't there to be sweet to me. He called me over to his vehicle and started to accuse me of cheating on him with the gentleman I had walked out of work with. Turns out he was sitting in that parking lot on the hill, watching me. I, of course, was not cheating and tried as hard as I could to convince him of that.  I had my hands rested on his open window of his pickup as I spoke to him and he got pissed and slammed him fists on my fingers. Then he apologized and told me to grab him some smokes while I was in there. Which I paid for with my own money because he was too lazy to work. I'm telling ya, he was a gem. I walked in the gas station hands throbbing, trying to collect myself so no one would see I was upset. I grabbed a drink and went to the front to get the rest, and then the sweet, motherly lady behind the counter gently touched my arm and looked me right in the eye and said "Honey, they aren't all like that." I don't know if there has ever been a time I have felt more seen and cared for by a stranger. She stopped me in my tracks that night and I thought about her words all the time.
      I didn't have kids with my abuser so I can only speak from a place of what I have seen and heard from others on this topic, but my heart is breaking for the kids who are at home right now with parents who are drunk, or abusive or negligent. School was their only place of safety, warm meals and peace. Now they are at home in this uncertain time with people who sadly do not have their best interest in mind. So what do we do? How do we give them comfort? First thing you can do is stop pretending we're doing them a favor by not saying anything. The authorities cannot do something if they don't know there is a problem. IF you know or suspect there is abuse please reach out to the authorities. Second, when you do see those littles, whom you know aren't getting what they need at home, smile at them, look them in the eye and say hello. Ask them how they are. If they feel seen and heard they are much more likely to come to you in a time of need. They can open up and you can enter into a place of helping them sort through and heal what is so broken. Help them get help. I am in no way saying to put yourself in harms way, but if you see an opportunity to reach out safely please do. It can mean so much to their little hearts. They didn't ask for this.
     What the gentle cashier and the two brave, young men did for me was so simple yet carried such a huge message and impact. We do not have to rush in and save each person, even if that is our instinct and what we think would be the most helpful. Because the truth is they are the only one who can decide when to leave and what we need to do most is support them, make sure they feel seen and heard and they know that their life matters and are worthy of being loved. In this time when we aren't supposed to come near people, we need to step up our creative caring game and do little things with huge impact. Just loving people and showing you care can go way further than you might think. I'm here to tell you the little things left the biggest imprint in my life.
     So as we all sit in our homes and go about life as best we can in this strange time, I just ask that we try to be the best helpers we can be to those who are struggling. As for my family and I, we are going to keep raising food, living a socially distanced lifestyle and deciding which animals we will eat first if this thing goes apocalyptic. Just kidding??... Take care and stay sane out there.

Meet Eleanor. If it comes to it we will eat
 her last cause she's pretty and I love her so much.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.