Forgiveness

    I had such good intentions of writing a blog post each week and wouldn't you know it life had other plans. We had a crazy busy last week finishing up our oldest kiddos basketball season, and then last Wednesday I got the influenza and that sucker took me down like a linebacker. Technically the swab they stuck in my brain came back negative but the doctor said because I went from a healthy person to the blob on her table with in a matter of hours it was most likely influenza and I just tested too early. And let me tell you it came out of no where. I hurt so bad my clothes made my skin ache. If I could have gotten down to the nude and drove home that way I would have, but oddly enough my husband and I discussed this very topic the other day and we can't decide if you can get indecent exposure whilst in your own car, and since I am still an upstanding citizen with no arrests I decided to keep myself clothed until I was out of the public eye. You're welcome. Thankfully though, so far calving heifers has been a walk in the park and these ladies are sloooowww! I definitely wouldn't have been
able to crawl into bed and die there for 3 days if they had been dropping babies like crazy. Thank God for little miracles.

These heifers said they were bred
black, they all look like this one...

 This post was hard to decide, cause like all women, my brain goes in a million different directions during the day and I think of all the things I want you to know about domestic violence and how I can be most helpful. So I do believe we will start with the art of manipulation, which all abusers seem to be experts in. If I could beat a dead horse with any piece of misinformation it would be that victims of violence are not stupid nor are we gullible or naive. We all know what physical violence can look like, black eyes, bruises, broken bones, but what most people have a hard time recognizing is mental and emotional abuse that leaves no marks to be seen. Even the person in the relationship can not recognize the signs until it't too late. This is actually how most abusers gain the upper hand when the relationship is still fresh. Slowly breaking down the other person until the victim thinks that all that goes wrong is their fault.

      My abuser was very manipulative and possessive but it played out a lot like someone who was very smitten. And for me, a girl that had never had a very serious relationship, it was very endearing and sweet. Some of the things he would do was show up at my work to 'just see how my day was' or be waiting outside my work when I got off because 'he just wanted to see me.' And this can be innocent enough but he did it ALL THE TIME. It truly never crossed my mind that he was watching me and was incredibly insecure, having to be near me at all times, making sure I wasn't speaking to any other men. One time we were over at his friends house and we were all hanging out in the garage while the guys tinted windows on a car and one of the guys said to me "Boy he must really like you, he watches you like a hawk." I can so clearly remember how good that made me feel and how badly I wanted to be wanted by someone in that way. And this here is where I am going to hop up on my Jesus soapbox and shout "YOU DON'T NEED TO BE LOVED BY ANYONE BUT THE GOOD LORD THAT MADE YOU!!!!!!!" Oh how I wish that was as easy to believe as it is to say. I wish we were all born with the confidence to know who we are and who's we are. I was treated as a possession not as a person and I had no clue until it was too late. 

      Another way that someone can exert control is through mind games. I think this one can be trickiest of all because it seems at first like any normal disagreement, but it is used to get inside the victims head and blur the lines. For example if you are planning a girls night or time with family and just as you are getting ready to go your significant other picks a fight. It may even be over something that needs to be discussed but it just seems to happen each time you are getting ready to go without them. This is a tactic. My abuser used this tactic with me to keep me from getting to school on time when I attempted college. So much so that I eventually dropped out because my attendance was so low and I was failing most of my classes. Anything he could do to keep me from succeeding and leaving him he did. He also used it to get me fired from jobs. He would want me to work so he didn't have to but as soon as I started to meet people and form friendships he would put a stop to it. I have seen this in so many 'regular' relationships it is mind blowing and I think some people don't even know they are doing it. It just feels normal and they can't see the hurt they are causing. If we are being honest here I have done it myself to Scott. It was the only way I knew how to feel in control, but with years of self-work and counseling, I have learned much healthier ways to handle this. What I cannot stress enough is that if you are deciding what you do based on a fear of what the other person will do, such as withholding affection, anger or guilting you into changing your plans, this is not healthy!! You are your own and pleasing someone else in order to 'earn' their affection should not be what drives you in a relationship. In a healthy relationship their is a desire to love and give of yourself because the other person loves and gives of themselves right back to you. 

   

      The mind games can be so subtle and hard to detect and I wish I could tell you how to see them. What I can say is that trust and love come first and foremost in a relationship. It's not healthy for either person to operate out of fear. Fear of losing your loved one so you control all situations or fear of what the other person thinks about everything so you only do what they want. I loved Scott out of fear for far too long because I didn't trust him not to hurt me or leave, and I parented out of fear because I didn't trust God to love my kids more than I did. Leaving fear out of the equation has been the single most freeing thing I have done for myself and my loved ones. My good, loving God knows far more than I do about what I need and worrying about it helps no one. So let's all take a deep breath and love the people in our lives a little more each day and let's see how good it can be!

     As always if you or someone you know is in an unhealthy relationship and need someone to talk to or a way to get out the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. Take care and we'll chat again soon!

Annie