Forgiveness

New morning mercies. Every dang day. 

Can I just say that the writing process for me is absolutely painful?  I have all this time to sit by myself in this truck feeding cows, which we are doing every day and have been for a month because it is so cold right now. And while I bee bop around in the pasture thinking of whatI should blog about, I think to myself  “dang! I am a literary genius!” In my mind all of the words flow so naturally. I am witty, intelligent, intellectually deep, and theologically sound. But then I get to this computer and my brain gets discombobulated and I don’t even know my own name. I have started this post approximately 1,375,246 times. And I have yet to be able to type something worthy of hitting the publish button. I know what I want to say but the words just will not formulate into intelligent sentences. So instead of my usual format where I tell you all the wonderful things we’ve been doing on the ranch, we’re just going to get to it. Today we are gonna talk about the dirty F word. Forgiveness.

They say ‘red in the morn, sailor be warned.’ But this sunrise was just too good.

 Being an Enneagram eight, forgiveness is about as easy as swallowing turpentine. I don’t like to be wrong, I don’t want to admit to others that I’m wrong and the general idea of it makes me want to slap people. I don’t so much mind offering forgiveness to others (that’s kind of a lie. I don’t much care for that either) but it’s the asking for it that hurts my pride. I don’t know if you have heard of the newest book by Lisa Terkeurst called Forgiving What You Can’t Forget but it was placed on her heart for someone just like me. God crafted even the title so perfectly that I felt it so deeply down in my soul that I just had to read it. I preordered that bad boy on Amazon and like the present it was it arrived on my birthday! I didn’t start it immediately because I had to finish the book I was on before I started it. Partially because it felt like I was cheating on the other author and all her hard work, but also because I had to prepare my self for what was about to happen. I knew it was gonna be good, life changing even. It was no surprise to me when it did not disappoint. What was a surprise though was that the 2 people I had in mind when I started to read it, the two people that I felt needed my forgiveness the most and whom I was prepared to give it to, were not where the book led me at all. I won’t keep you in suspense any longer than necessary but the person I needed to forgive most was looking at me every day in the mirror.

     All along it had been me. I needed my forgiveness the most. I had no idea how heavy the shame and guilt I had carried with me for all these years from the life and choices I made all those years ago when I was young. For those of you reading this that have been in an unhealthy or abusive relationship you will track with me when I say the guilt can be a like a wave that rushes in and knocks you down when you look back at your life. You know what you did was wrong and you aren’t living like that now but the mere mental image of the old life smacks you straight in the heart. 

     When I say I was a crappy human before I found God I mean it. Some of the choices I made were just because I wanted to do what I wanted to do. Living each day for myself, my wants and thinking of no one else. Those actions somehow had seemed easier to forgive myself for than the choices I made simply for survival. I made choices no person should have to make at such a young age, or any age for that matter. If you’ve never been in a position where you have to choose right from wrong based solely on a desire to not be harmed, you may not understand what it is I carry but if you have, my dear friend, you are not alone. I did things I would have NEVER done just to protect my self. I made decisions based out of fear and those were some of the ones I held the most shame over myself for. They were the sins I would have told you no one could be forgiven for. And that’s exactly what I’d been telling myself for the last 19 years. But as I read through the first 4 chapters of the book, which I devoured as quickly as I could, I started to pick apart the why’s of what I had done. I was able to see the truth behind my shame. Not all of the choices and sins were mine to carry ownership of. This was particularly hard for me because I am a firm believer in the old adage “You make your bed so you lie in it.” You don’t get to blame others for your crappy life choices. So how can you move past blaming into accepting ownership for what is truly yours to carry?? You ask God to guide you. Through hours of prayer and journaling I could see where it was a choice of survival and a choice of sin. It didn’t change what I had done but it changed how I held it in my heart. I was finally able to see the sins I needed to seek forgiveness for because they were mine and the ones that were not my burden to bare. But you know what??  Either way God forgives them all and that is something I am sure of now.

      It wasn’t an easy process by any means. Going back to the things that had been done to me and forgiving them brought up a lot of feelings I would have much rather left dead somewhere. I will at this time warn you there are side effects of reading this amazing book and that in my case it was nightmares. Not just any nightmares either. They were very intense ones where Scott may or may not have woken up with a very fat, purple lip one day. It was at that point I decided to take a little hiatus from reading it to quiet the obvious anxiety my poor brain was subconsciously experiencing. I’m sure Scott appreciated it also. I can say I’ve not finished the book yet and I am ok with that. When I am ready to go back to it I will, in my own time. Even if I never got back to it I feel like I’ve won the battle. Just the other day I was reminded of something I had done way back when and that weighty feeling of shame came over me. But this time I was in control and with in a couple minutes I was able to work through it and let it go. It’s not mine anymore. I am not the same person anymore and it feels so good.

      Ladies and gentlemen this is what grace is for. For the things we cannot change and for the moments we slip. I am sending boat loads of prayers full of grace out as I hit that dreaded publish button. Go get the book. Or don’t. (But if you do, might I suggest getting your significant other a helmet and pads. Just in case.) Sit with yourself and forgive the old you and praise God for a new beginning. Each day we get to choose who we will be and each day begins with new mercies. Let THAT wash over you instead of guilt and shame.  So there it is. What the Holy Spirit has been nudging me to write since December and what I’ve painstakingly tried to type for the last 2 weeks. My prayer is you will feel lighter and more free. 

                       

‘For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.’
Matthew 11:30

     So, now for a hard right turn, because I cannot write about things that feel that weighty and heavy with out something to lighten it up, I’ll share some pictures of the cutest baby goats ever. And whatever else I’ve been hoarding on my phone for just this occasion. I told myself I was going to be better about blogging but things are about to get busy with calving here so let us not hold our breath. As I type this I am sitting in my prayer chair watching a heifer calve. Well actually I’m trying not to because as a watched pot doesn’t boil, so a watched heifer doesn’t calve. So my days are about to get a lot busier, my nights a lot longer and my patience to be sooooo much thinner. If you see me wandering around looking like a homeless vagrant who hasn’t showered or slept, just keep walking. Or buy me a coffee. It’s heifer calving season and I cannot be held liable for my appearance or ability to form complete thoughts. Oh and thanks for hanging in there with me, I know this was a long one. 

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship and need help the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). 

This little gal was the only survivor of triplets. 
An eye dropper of milk and a heating pad saved her little life.
She’s the best.