Forgiveness

   

     It's that time of year again. The time of year when all ranch husbands and wives gather to spend quality time together in the confines of a barn, ranger or on horseback for hours and hours doing what we love while freezing our butts off screaming at each other. That's right ladies and gentlemen it's calving season!! If you make it through this time of year still speaking you can conquer anything that comes your way. Lack of sleep, frozen fingers and toes, angry mama cows and the pressure to keep those cute calves alive while those same angry mamas try all sorts of fancy ways to kill their babies are all against you but if you remember you love each other and try to apologize for the horrible things you say and do in the heat of the moment it will all be fine. Eventually you'll each forget the time you threw the bottle at his head or the time he told you to just leave cause he'd be better off without you in the barn. But it's fine. I'm fine, You're fine. It's all just fine.
     This year my handsome fella and I purchased some bred heifers, along with some home raised gals so about 50 in total to calve out and we couldn't be more excited.(I hope you can hear the sarcasm dripping from this comment.) Historically we do pretty well working together and have a pretty good system worked out. I check until midnight and then he starts at 2 and checks until morning. We both get a decent amount of sleep and everyone stays happy-ish. But unfortunately this year I had a less than stellar moment at the sale barn and accidentally told Scott to purchase heifers that calve a month earlier than we wanted. Oops! My bad honey! He is taking it much better than I am. I'll be pouting all this month when I know that I could be sleeping if I had just listened a little closer.

Ain't he just the most creatively, sweet man?
Mayo jug vase and a sharpie. 

      But enough about my inability to pay attention in crucial moments. I want to talk about triggers today and for me calving season is one of those. If you have ever experienced trauma you know that there can be some strange things that bring about unpleasant memories. For me I can say that I have a few odd ball things, like a certain pair of shoes my husband wears, the smell from a new car air-freshener and calving season to name a few. After I had been with my abuser for sometime he moved us out of state for a ranch job. I grew up on a ranch so this was something I felt comfortable with. Although my responsibilities had been pretty minimal as a teenage girl. The abuse had almost reached it's peak at this time and I was terrified most days of what I should say or do to keep the peace. The man we were working for had heifers to calve out and my abuser made it appear he was much more capable than actually he was. When it came time to start calving he decided that I should do all the night checks since he had to calve and work all day. I of course wasn't asked I was told and it would have possibly been okay if I hadn't been working all day also and keeping house for him. I was exhausted. One night I made it until midnight but I didn't get up for the last two checks. That morning the man who owned the cattle happened to show up and he found a hiefer with a dead calf next to her and another sticking out of her. My abuser turned it all on me of course and blamed me for all of it. Even though he never got up for any of the night checks. I won't get into details but I paid for not getting up that morning. And every other time things got hard I got the brunt of his anger.. There were so many other things that happened that spring that come to mind each year about this time. It can be a smell or the way my husband does or says something that brings it to mind, but it has all been something I've had to work through with years of counseling. Now Scott and I have had some doozies over the years calving and it took some time for me to know that he was not the same as my abuser in those situations. It has not been easy or quick and it's taken some serious grit and determination. But I am so thankful that I pushed through because I can now look forward to things like this crazy exhausting, hard, rewarding season of the year.
     Triggers don't mean that I'm not okay. I have come to terms with them because I have faced them head on. I allowed myself to feel them and work through them and also being honest with this sweet man I am doing life with now. When I can explain to him why I freak out or why I overreact in those moments he understands that they are not because of him, but because of the evil in my life before him. I cannot recommend counseling enough. It has been the one thing I've done with the largest payout.  If you are having flashbacks or triggers that are effecting the way you go about your days I urge you to find a counselor close to you or online. You no longer have to travel to get quality counseling. One program I have heard good reviews about is www.betterhelp.com.

The view from my bathroom. During the day
checking heifers isn't so bad.😏

    Two days ago we brought in the bunch of early calving heifers and so begins the sleepless nights. They are a quiet bunch of ladies and I am hopeful it will go well. This year we even have the guest room finished so when things get a little tense I can politely ask my better half to stay there. Just kidding I won't ask politely.  To all my fellow ranch wives stay safe out there and stay calm. And remember in the fall when this is all over you'll be rewarded with a big fat check to hand over to the bank so God willing we can do it all again next year.