Let's Jump Right In!
I can't tell you how scary writing actual content in here is but this has taken me sooooo long to write and I've started it a million different ways. I finally think the words don't sound dumb but I am currently in a serious debate with myself about whether or not to add pictures and if I do what will they be and where will they go?!?! Gahhhh! So if there are pictures when you read this know that they caused me great angst and appreciate them please.
I decided to start this where the relationship started and that was in those hard, horrible teenage years. I share a little of my story, some wisdom and hopefully help to a parent struggling. Please note that this is my story and my feelings of my youth and what shaped me. It's not meant to condemn anyone but to share so people can feel not so alone and maybe grow their relationship with a child. Whether it's you personally or someone you love is in a relationship that is destructive and damaging I pray these messages bring hope, strength and comfort to your hurting, frustrated soul. You are not in this alone. I repeat, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
I started dating my abuser when I as 17 and I wish there had been somewhere for my parents to get information on how to handle my abusive relationship. They tried the best they knew how with the personalities they have but it wasn't always helpful. It came from the best version of love they knew how to give of that I am sure. I wanted to be in a relationship for as long as I can remember. I was the girl in love with the idea of love. I was infatuated with boys at times and if you have a little one in your house like this I strongly suggest keeping the conversation open about when a relationship is appropriate and what a healthy one looks like. The world today is telling them things like "dating' in elementary is normal, you need to be a certain way to be loved and nothing should be saved for later. Kids get to see all sorts of filth online with little to no supervision and little is being done to counteract this input. Some of you who have known me a long time will read this and think "Ugh! What a prude! She was never like this growing up!!" I wholly understand that I went from being a a no rules, do what I want rebel to a straight up kill-joy, fun hater. (My kids absolutely LOVE the new me! Haha!!!) But that's where I'm at and I think we can all be okay with that, cause honestly the old me was a little crazy anyways and scared people. This 180 I've done however has allowed me to gain new perspective and now I get to share all that knowledge with you!!
Anyways I think we as parents can sometimes be tricked into thinking that just because we aren't condoning bad behavior and we're living a good life that our kids are just going to see this and know what to do. But they are lost little humans that need daily reminders to redirect them back to the good that is good for them. My parents were respectable people who in no way told me to do some of the wrong things I did, but I still did them because God gave us free will and most of us naturally want to push the boundaries. Leading our kids by example is huge and talking about our daily choices is even bigger. They need the obvious pointed out to them sometimes.
I only ever saw the good image that my parents wanted us to see. We never got to see the daily struggle, the choice to love daily and the beautiful reconciliation that comes when two people are committed to making it work. My kids have gotten to see a fair portion of the crazy their mom and dad have to offer but I also make sure they hear the words of apology and love that come after. I believe this was something huge I was missing as a child that could have prevented me from thinking the way my abuser treated me was right. Kids need to see struggle and watch you work through it. I was told by my abuser that being hit and yelled at was 'normal' and that what I grew up seeing was only the facade my parents showed us. And he was right about the facade. My parents had their own struggles in their marriage that were 'normal', like arguments over money and how to raise us kids, but we never saw them. I truly thought that my abuser could be right and what I hadn't been allowed to see in my parents marriage was similar to the way he was treating me.
I was also a bull headed child at times and I hated the idea of being controlled. It's a deep seeded fear that I have always had and I have my own speculations on what caused it. I always felt I had to be in charge of my own person and any outside push felt terrifying and I saw my parents as a huge threat to that. I really don't believe that all kids push to be naughty and act out just for the sake of doing it. There is something in them, like in me, that can't let that wall down. In my eldest child I see traces of this same fear and I'm telling you it is so hard as a mom to have someone do things they and you know can be wrong but do it just to prove they can. What I have learned from raising him, and also looking back to my own childhood, is that guidance can be better than heavy handed control. I wasn't given many options growing up when it came to what I did. Micro-managing a child's every move is suffocating to their growth. I know what I needed more than anything was to feel like I was able to make choices and determine parts of my future for myself without fear of losing ones love. To be given choices and consequences, whether they be natural or handed down by an adult, is a learning tool all kids need.
When I started to date my abuser my parents lost their ever loving minds. And rightly so because he had a reputation of the worst kind. But they also gave me a damaging ultimatum of, 'It's either him or us.' I, wanting to feel in control, chose him, and I chose wrong. In the end it was ultimately my choice to leave home and move in with my abuser and I take full responsibility for that. What I want to share with you is that there is a softer way. The way God loves us. He doesn't say 'Do what I say and I'll love you forever, but if you disobey me that love is gone.' No, God says 'Do what I have shown you is good and if you stray and choose unwisely, I'll still be here waiting with grace, forgiveness, and mercy.' I didn't feel I was given that option. I understand that this sounds like I am placing blame and that is a dangerous thing to do, but it is what can happen when a parent feels out of control and wants to gain back the upper hand. I have done it with my own kids and suffered greatly for it. When I let go and let God lead my words and actions towards the ones I love, I give grace in a place where hurt and resentment can grow so quickly. I in no way stake claim to having perfected this utopia of parenting, but when I do it it pays dividends to all around peace in our home. We can't let the tiny dictators in our homes rule but we can listen to your kids. They have feelings and opinions they are trying to sort through and they need heard. They also need to be told no sometimes and guided through them cause the good Lord knows those hormones make them like wild, caged animals that make awful choices!
So I think we can all agree that was A LOT of words and we can wrap this shindig up for now. Let's love the crazy monsters God gave us and when they start to push so hard we think we might lose it, let's take a step back and see if we are helping or hurting. If you are a young adult reading this stop and remember that your parents are fighting for you, not against you. Give them a little grace today cause you are a handful some days and they've kept you alive this long so be nice. They won't knock it out of the park everyday but they are trying!
If you are in an abusive relationship and want to get help here is the National Domestic Violence Hotline. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
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| Read this twice or three times. However many times it takes to let it sink in. |
I decided to start this where the relationship started and that was in those hard, horrible teenage years. I share a little of my story, some wisdom and hopefully help to a parent struggling. Please note that this is my story and my feelings of my youth and what shaped me. It's not meant to condemn anyone but to share so people can feel not so alone and maybe grow their relationship with a child. Whether it's you personally or someone you love is in a relationship that is destructive and damaging I pray these messages bring hope, strength and comfort to your hurting, frustrated soul. You are not in this alone. I repeat, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
I started dating my abuser when I as 17 and I wish there had been somewhere for my parents to get information on how to handle my abusive relationship. They tried the best they knew how with the personalities they have but it wasn't always helpful. It came from the best version of love they knew how to give of that I am sure. I wanted to be in a relationship for as long as I can remember. I was the girl in love with the idea of love. I was infatuated with boys at times and if you have a little one in your house like this I strongly suggest keeping the conversation open about when a relationship is appropriate and what a healthy one looks like. The world today is telling them things like "dating' in elementary is normal, you need to be a certain way to be loved and nothing should be saved for later. Kids get to see all sorts of filth online with little to no supervision and little is being done to counteract this input. Some of you who have known me a long time will read this and think "Ugh! What a prude! She was never like this growing up!!" I wholly understand that I went from being a a no rules, do what I want rebel to a straight up kill-joy, fun hater. (My kids absolutely LOVE the new me! Haha!!!) But that's where I'm at and I think we can all be okay with that, cause honestly the old me was a little crazy anyways and scared people. This 180 I've done however has allowed me to gain new perspective and now I get to share all that knowledge with you!!
Anyways I think we as parents can sometimes be tricked into thinking that just because we aren't condoning bad behavior and we're living a good life that our kids are just going to see this and know what to do. But they are lost little humans that need daily reminders to redirect them back to the good that is good for them. My parents were respectable people who in no way told me to do some of the wrong things I did, but I still did them because God gave us free will and most of us naturally want to push the boundaries. Leading our kids by example is huge and talking about our daily choices is even bigger. They need the obvious pointed out to them sometimes.
I only ever saw the good image that my parents wanted us to see. We never got to see the daily struggle, the choice to love daily and the beautiful reconciliation that comes when two people are committed to making it work. My kids have gotten to see a fair portion of the crazy their mom and dad have to offer but I also make sure they hear the words of apology and love that come after. I believe this was something huge I was missing as a child that could have prevented me from thinking the way my abuser treated me was right. Kids need to see struggle and watch you work through it. I was told by my abuser that being hit and yelled at was 'normal' and that what I grew up seeing was only the facade my parents showed us. And he was right about the facade. My parents had their own struggles in their marriage that were 'normal', like arguments over money and how to raise us kids, but we never saw them. I truly thought that my abuser could be right and what I hadn't been allowed to see in my parents marriage was similar to the way he was treating me.
I was also a bull headed child at times and I hated the idea of being controlled. It's a deep seeded fear that I have always had and I have my own speculations on what caused it. I always felt I had to be in charge of my own person and any outside push felt terrifying and I saw my parents as a huge threat to that. I really don't believe that all kids push to be naughty and act out just for the sake of doing it. There is something in them, like in me, that can't let that wall down. In my eldest child I see traces of this same fear and I'm telling you it is so hard as a mom to have someone do things they and you know can be wrong but do it just to prove they can. What I have learned from raising him, and also looking back to my own childhood, is that guidance can be better than heavy handed control. I wasn't given many options growing up when it came to what I did. Micro-managing a child's every move is suffocating to their growth. I know what I needed more than anything was to feel like I was able to make choices and determine parts of my future for myself without fear of losing ones love. To be given choices and consequences, whether they be natural or handed down by an adult, is a learning tool all kids need.
When I started to date my abuser my parents lost their ever loving minds. And rightly so because he had a reputation of the worst kind. But they also gave me a damaging ultimatum of, 'It's either him or us.' I, wanting to feel in control, chose him, and I chose wrong. In the end it was ultimately my choice to leave home and move in with my abuser and I take full responsibility for that. What I want to share with you is that there is a softer way. The way God loves us. He doesn't say 'Do what I say and I'll love you forever, but if you disobey me that love is gone.' No, God says 'Do what I have shown you is good and if you stray and choose unwisely, I'll still be here waiting with grace, forgiveness, and mercy.' I didn't feel I was given that option. I understand that this sounds like I am placing blame and that is a dangerous thing to do, but it is what can happen when a parent feels out of control and wants to gain back the upper hand. I have done it with my own kids and suffered greatly for it. When I let go and let God lead my words and actions towards the ones I love, I give grace in a place where hurt and resentment can grow so quickly. I in no way stake claim to having perfected this utopia of parenting, but when I do it it pays dividends to all around peace in our home. We can't let the tiny dictators in our homes rule but we can listen to your kids. They have feelings and opinions they are trying to sort through and they need heard. They also need to be told no sometimes and guided through them cause the good Lord knows those hormones make them like wild, caged animals that make awful choices!
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| This is just a pretty picture I took on a walk, because I'm in charge here and who doesn't love frosty days?? |
If you are in an abusive relationship and want to get help here is the National Domestic Violence Hotline. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
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