What’s your motive???

 

WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING?? My husband says this to me all the time while we work together. He likes to furrow his brow and scrunch his face into this look that makes you question every life choice that has led to this moment. A look that says ‘Have you lost your mind?” or “ Who would think that is a good idea???” It’s super confidence boosting and I love it when he says that. Said no one ever. He doesn’t just save that look for me either. He shares it with the kids, immediate family and sometimes even a random stranger that does or says something he cannot wrap his head around. At which point I politely point out that he should raise his eyebrows so he looks less hostile and just plain annoyed with that persons presence. He’s a work on progress. His words not mine. But aren’t we all?? If you aren’t working to improve yourself what are you doing with your life?? Just kidding. But seriously, get it together girl. Kidding!! You’re amazing. 

Call it a flaw or gift, but I am very self aware and because of this I am in constant self improvement mode. I do not want to fail at any aspect of life. I am wholly aware that this is a slippery slope and that my expectations exceed my capabilities and that is one area I keep working on. I don’t want to end this life the same person I was when I started. The old me was selfish, hostile, naïve and wore way too much makeup and had ridiculous taste in clothes and men. Praise the Lord I got the man thing figured out and thank goodness for people like Joanna Gaines to show me less can be more. In my home and my makeup routine. Squirrel!! Back to my point, I'm working on myself. In this past year through counseling I have discovered the reasons I do things are most often thoughtless and made in haste. If I’m upset about something I don’t stop to ponder why I am upset I just go to that person and confront it head on. Not once considering the possible outcome or consequences. I just want to feel resolved therefore I forge ahead. I have found I do this because I have an innate need to feel in control of myself. I am an Enneagram 8 (if you’ve never heard of the Enneagram I highly recommend looking it up. It’s an incredibly useful tool to learn yourself and how to work with others.) As an 8, I have a uncontrollable urge to self protect. Just ask my nephew whom I pushed down to save myself from raccoons that came running at us while moving equipment. Or my mom who was left to save herself as a mad cow came running at us last week. It’s every man for himself. This isn’t a quality I necessarily like about myself but it’s there so I own it. My kids are a different story though. I am like a rabid honey badger should anything put them in harms way or pain. My husband has had to call me off more than a couple times over the years and saved me from what would most certainly have ended with a restraining order or jail time. 

This eat or be eaten instinct is what led me to contemplate what my real motives are in all life’s choices. While I do believe that things are almost always better if we say it straight, there is something to be said for a time of self reflection before its said or done. A time to examine your heart and see what’s motivating you to say the words, ask the question or do the action. Have you considered the other person’s heart? Have you thought about the possible outcomes and how you will handle each one should it happen? While we can’t see into the future and think of every scenario, I have found it's good to work through what comes to mind to see where your heart lands. Are you asking/doing this just so you can feel better or do you truly want to see a healthy outcome for everyone? Is it just so you can feel like you’re right? Is your motivation anger or love? All things I have started asking myself prior to opening my mouth and let me tell you it’s done wonders for my marriage and friendships!! It’s such a simple thing and I am sure some of you less aggressive people are like “duh! This is kindergarten stuff!” But for me this was a new revelation. Something as simple as reminding Scott he isn’t the boss of me when we work cows (cause daggum it, he’s not😏) can now be handled with a quiet tone or just left alone depending on if it’s out of anger because my pride was hurt, or out of real hurt because he didn’t trust me. Or I’ve applied it to things as big as this last week where I spoke at the Missouri Shores candlelight vigil. I had to take into account Scott’s feelings, my feelings and my reason for wanting to present there. In the past I only thought of how I felt, not considered Scott and would have spoken just to be heard. It was for my benefit and mine alone. Not that it was an ugly selfish thing to do, but I needed healing and since I love awkward honesty, it honestly felt good to be the center of attention. Even if it was because people were looking at my past life like a car accident you couldn’t look away from. So this time when the offer was made to me to speak, I really had to examine my heart. What was my reason for doing it? I didn’t want to focus on the hurt so much or speak lots of details for just shock and awe, which sometimes feels like the case. I didn’t want it to seem like gloom and doom either. So I landed on a message of hope with a sprinkle of honest detail. Like this blog I solely relied on God’s guidance and He blessed me with peace in my words. It was my most favorite presentation so far. The best part of the whole night was my man coming along. Scott has never heard me present before and it meant the world to me that he sat through something that was no doubt 100%  hard for his heart to hear publicaly, even thought he's heard it all in private. I had my friend Jen, who also came to watch my presentation video my speech. I've never had someone to video before and it was terrifying but I thought what the heck. I had to read it off a sheet of paper because my brain goes a million different ways while I'm in front of people, but I kept my voice steady and even managed to look up a couple times. I only cried after I finished and heard the most beautiful Benediction prayer sang over us all. Afterward came the dilemma of whether or not to share the video publicly.  So in following this "Stop, pray and then act" way of living, I have stopped worrying, prayed about what to do and think I have come to a solid conclusion. And that is, I just don't know if I'm there yet. Sounds solid doesn't it? I'll get there. Someday. For now I am content with what I have shared and how I have shared it. I feel proud of what I've been able to bring to the table and most of all, I feel safe and that's all that matters for me. 

The road that leads you home is the sweetest.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive situation please reach out to someone you trust or contact the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. You are not alone.