I’m a fair weather ranch wife

I decorate for every season.
Don’t judge.

 The title truly says it all, this gig isn’t always for me. I don’t like to be outside when it’s miserable cold and I don’t like to be outside when it’s miserable hot. I get overwhelmed easily in the busy seasons and have said many an angry word and shed some tears over the years because I can’t be at home doing the things that need to be done there or do things with the kids because the things outside are more demanding. If you would talk to me on most given days I will tell you that I love where we live and what we do but I would be lying if I told you that I enjoyed it all or felt like this was the only thing that I was supposed to do with my life. I had a whole blog typed out about Sabbath and rest and all sorts of soft, squishy crap and it just wasn’t flowing so I changed to something that is currently nagging at me and it’s the fact that right now I want a desk job. I want the desk job because it’s fall harvest. Corn to be exact. The second of harvest seasons and it feels busier. Mostly because the kids are in school, which you would think would be nice but the oldest is very handy and the youngest is getting more handy by the day. So all those little things they do to pick up slack fall on the rest of us in their absence. (Please do not misunderstand me, I LOVE that my kids are back in school. When they left for that first day, all of the world felt right again after 6 months at home!)But then you add any school activities to the list and my feeling the need to be home to make sure homework gets done and that they have supper put on and it all of sudden feels like I’m headed for a cozy stay somewhere with a padded room and a straight jacket. I know I am needed in the field and the kids are big enough to to fend for themselves but the mom guilt takes hold and I hate walking in the door right as the youngest is headed to bed. It’s just a season I tell myself and some days it works and others not so much. It’s a drastic swing of emotions some weeks and even some days. I can start the day out feeling like it’s all sunshine and daisies and by noon I’m wondering how soon is too soon to drink wine, eat chocolate and cry in the bathroom. And like the walking contradiction I am, you will also hear me say that corn harvest is my favorite harvest of all. The main reason is the fire risk is lower and I can relax a little. That, and it’s cooler. So much cooler. And the colors are beautiful. And it smells so yummy. I could go on and on but I won’t. You’re welcome. 

   

 I think what is taking me so long to write what I would call a publish worthy post is that I feel the urge to write something a little less surface and a little more personal. I truly believe we need to push ourselves into the hard places. The places that make us scared and uncomfortable are the ones that will make us grow the most. For me it is writing a post which feels very open and vulnerable and like I’m sharing way too much. I in no way want to air my dirty laundry for the world to see. In the short time I’ve spent preparing for this post I have heard a million voices in my head saying ‘write it’, ‘don’t write it’, ‘people might want to hear this’, ‘you’re the only one who feels this way they’ll think you’re crazy’. My inner dialogue is bipolar for sure but this is where I land, I love living in the country but I want to run away sometimes. When things get hard or frustrating I tend to want to leave and move on to the next thing. I don’t because I am a healthy grown adult but I really do fight the urge regularly. When Scott gives me a task that would take him 5 minutes and it takes me 10, I get pissed and throw things and want to quit. If things start to feel overwhelming on the ranch and I don’t see the break coming I want to leave and get a town job. If Scott and the kids start to drive me nuts I daydream of leaving to a little cottage in the woods, on the edge of a meadow, with a cute front porch, white shiplap everywhere, fresh flowers on the table, which I will pick from my abundant garden that has a sweet little picket fence surrounded by a perfectly manicured lawn, and I can live out my days in my garden and making homemade bread. (Have I put an extensive  amount of thought into this? Yes. But they did this to me.) Do you ever feel like this? Please tell me you do. I need to know I’m not crazy. 

    When we decided to move here almost 7 years ago, I was all in. I wanted to do this big thing with Scott and nothing could change my mind. And then hard life things happened. There were things said and done that hurt my heart so deeply that they took that dream from me. And for the longest time I didn’t even want to go outside to work. I did of course, because that’s what you do, but each day was a struggle for me to stick it out. I didn’t talk it out and I let it sit and fester in me for a long time and it came out in nasty, ugly words and actions to Scott. I should have taken my own advice and addressed it head on, but instead I took the posture of the victim and let it ruin many of my days. Being miserable is a choice and it’s a miserable one. I have, at times, felt like my whole life has been dictated by someone else and in a sense it has. I went from being at home under the rules of my parents where I had some say, to being in an abusive relationship where I had no say at all, and then I became a single mom to my son and after that beautiful, terrifying day, all life choices were made for him. Now I wholly accept that I made the choices that led me to those situations, so please don’t think that I am placing blame. They are a natural consequence to my chosen actions, but within them were other humans I couldn’t control. Other than choosing to marry my man, all the major life choices I’ve made have been for someone else’s benefit. I’ve never had a job I picked solely because it sounded fun. I’ve never had a career that I chose because it was what I always wanted to do. This is Scott’s dream job. He wakes up everyday so excited to go look at cows butts or fix fence that he can hardly stand it. I however do not always share the same sentiment for cows butts and fencing. And I didn’t realize how daunting it all felt until this year when I had an opportunity to apply for a well salaried job in town and then I also got a job offer to work for the women’s shelter that helped save me, as their Rural advocate. Which, oh my goodness! If that wasn’t a dream job for me I don’t know what was! But after much thought and deliberation, I turned down both opportunities to make a go at this dream my husband has dreamt for a long time. I cannot tell you it has come with out resentment, because it has. But I have kept the conversation open with Scott and he knows my heart and I know his, and when I have a bad day he knows it too shall pass. 

    So here’s the good news. I prayed and prayed about finding a job or hobby that felt like I was useful, because let’s be honest some days looking at cows butts just doesn’t feel like it. Also it had to be one that would work with the craziness of the ranch. And low and behold Jesus came through, as he always does if one is patient enough. The director of the women’s shelter called and said they needed new members on their board of directors and I very quickly and enthusiastically accepted! I’ve been on for two months now and cannot wait to see what committees I get on and the people I’ll meet. It’s going to be wonderful! And because this lit a fire under me to pursue other things that tug at my heart I contacted the local youth group leader and asked if I could speak to his group of teenagers and he said yes! My son will not be as excite to hear me talk but he has zero choice isn’t he matter! So I guess what I am trying to confess with all of this is that I struggle. I struggle with feeling useful, I struggle with feeling overwhelmed and I struggle with not speaking up for my needs and wants sometimes, even though I tell others very flippantly to do it for themselves all the time. When Scott and I decided I wouldn’t take the job at the shelter my heart was broken but I very clearly heard God whisper “It’s just not your time YET.” And that “yet” is what I am praying patiently for. This week has straight up been a struggle for me to not run away but I know deep down that God has something planned that is far greater than I could imagine and patience is a virtue we all must learn. 

    Take some time this fall to just stop and see the beauty that is out there. Smell all the good smells, and enjoy the last days of being outside. God is so, so good and His proof is all around us. As for me I’ll be in the combine cutting corn and sunflowers for the foreseeable future just waiting for the day when we get to turn on the heater for the first time and smell my favorite smell of all that says fall is truly here and that is the smell of burnt dust. Yummy! I can’t wait! Also, if you want to see more of what happens on the daily around here you can follow me on Instagram at @anniejfitzgerald.

    If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship and need help please call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. 

Every morning. Candles, bible and coffee. 
It’s my quiet place that I love.