2 months?? I can't believe it's been that long since my last post but yet here we are. Where did it go? The days fly by but the hours in the tractor drag on FOR-EV-ER! This hay season was amazing compared to last year though, when we couldn't get in the fields until almost July and even then it was a muddy, exhausting, long drawn out process. This year I swear haying lasted 3 days. But not to worry, thanks to mother nature's great white combine we now have over 100 acres of oats to hay so we'll be at it a little longer. Sigh... My house is definitly paying the price for all these hours in the field. It goes from being immaculate and sparkling when we get a rain shower that allows me to stay in for a few hours, straight to what appears to be a house taken over by vagrants and squatters and none of them know how to pick up. Our daughter does a great job of keeping the house moving and making some suppers for us when we are late getting in, but she is 10 so the cleaning isn't perfect but it's done so I shall never complain! Over the years I've learned to let go of the anxiety and rage it used to cause when the house fell into disarray. I know now it will only last a short time and then there will be a break. There has to be a break, right??? But if you show up unannounced during one of our busy seasons just ignore the mess, the smell (
why is there always something that smells?) and push the laundry to the side and have a seat. It's most likely clean. Hopefully.
And to make it even busier we started cutting wheat last week and with only one operational
combine cutting, we finally finished the first field last night at 9:30. We could have been done and in bed by then but as luck would have it, with one acre left the engine blew in the one working combine. And when I say blew, I mean it went kaboom! My poor mother about had a heart attack when it happened! I was in the grain cart just minding my business, watching mom in the combine and all of a sudden there was a large poof of smoke from the engine and exhaust! Scott said he heard the boom from the other side of the field. I scurried my butt out of the tractor and ran over with my water jug before mom even got out of the combine to check for fires. If you aren't familiar with wheat harvest, fires are a real deal and can take a field very quickly, so you have to be on top of any spark. When I climbed up top to the motor it was very clear what had happened. There was what looked like a bullet hole in the oil pan pouring out oil and on the other side were huge chunks of metal and a piston sticking out the side!! I'm no mechanic but even I knew it was the end of the big red combine. And this is also the point in the story where I can tell you I am so glad I married the man I did. A lot of people would have come over cussing and yelling, but not Mr. Fitzgerald. Nope, he just calmly cruises out with the parts pickup and smiling gets out to inspect the damage. He laughed and said "well Becky (
that's my sweet mom, who was mostly worried this was somehow her fault) guess you got done early tonight." I love it. I rarely feel anxious when things break around him and that is not the norm for me growing up. My dad leans hard in the opposite direction when things go haywire. So my man's reaction is refreshing for my heart. Just another reason he is without a doubt a good man.
Have you ever heard the comparison phrase "He a good guy, but not a good man."? Oh how I wish I had heard that phrase in my youth and actually understood it. You wouldn't think there is such a huge difference in two words but the distinction between them is astounding. I can't even say I married a good guy the first time around, he was far from it. But I know in the depths of my soul that I married a good man this time. Oh, he has his flaws, don't you worry, but at the end of the day when we go to sleep (
yes, even on the nights he should sleep with one eye open cause I might smother him for his stupidity) I know I am safe and loved. I wish everyone could feel that. It's a feeling of security that I dreamed of while married to my abuser. I would lie awake at night praying to a God I wasn't even sure existed at the time that he would change. I knew miracles were possible and I asked for one all the time. I asked for good men to step up and defend me or help me when they heard or saw his abuse, but they didn't come either. There were countless occasions where his friends witnessed him laying a hand on me or verbally tearing me apart and they never did anything to help me. They wouldn't even look me in the eyes. They were what people would describe as "good guys". They were nice and fun to be around but they never stood up to him. Albeit, my abuser was known for hitting anyone, male or female, that upset him but they never even tried to help. I had a friend and her boyfriend once witness abuse in a vehicle next to them and her man did nothing. She thankfully got rid of him cause that kind of man is no man at all.
Proverbs 31:8-9 says "
Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the right of the poor and needy." So there you go. Jesus said it so we should do it. Go forth and protect!!!
I really hope to be raising a good man in my house. A man who protects, a man who loves, a man who cares for those around him. The first 16 years with our son have had many ups and downs but in the last year and a half I have seen glimpses of the man he will become and I couldn't be more smitten with him. He is quickly becoming my favorite teenager and it's not something I ever thought I would say. When I started out this mom journey I heard nothing but negative things about the teenage years and I was dreading them like the plague. Other moms who had gone before me would say "They were the worst years. You'll hate them." Who wants a moody, smelly, smaller version of yourself to argue with?? I mean really, the smells. Good grief the smells are awful. But what no one told me was how funny they are, how great your conversations will be and how much they will blow you away with their acts of kindness that come out of no where. OH! And how can I forget the random hugs! Those bad boys can reduce this mean mom to a puddle in seconds. There is nothing better than a hug from a teenage boy (
even when he smells terrible) to make all the worlds problems disappear. So moms of littles, please know that those needy, little heathens will grow to be needy, big heathens and give the best hugs to make you forget all the naughty things they have ever done. And then, if they're like mine, he'll throw you over his shoulder and toss you down for fun, just because they can. I wish I had been told how awesome they can be, so I'm telling you now to look forward to these mentally exhausting adolescent years. They are some of the best.
In the last couple weeks we have hit some milestones that frankly made me a little weepy. We headed out to the hayfield the other day with both kiddos and busted out an 11 hr day. Our daughter drove the raking tractor, our son was swathing hay with me and Scott was baling. I just had to call my man and swoon over how picture perfect that moment felt for me. I have a love/hate relationship with this lifestyle somedays but on that day it felt just right. I am gushing I know, but for some reason all these life moments seem so short and coming way to fast sometimes. The other milestone is far less romanticized and sweet, but as we prepared for a play days rodeo the other night I told the kids to go catch horses and saddle them, AND THEY DID!! BY THEMSELVES!!! I couldn't believe how nice it was to NOT have to go to the barn and do the work for either of them. All I had to do was pack food, drinks, lawn chairs and hang out until they were ready. (
And with all that free-time I of course forgot the chairs. Face slap.) But with each of these milestones I realize how quickly they will be gone. I almost weep openly every time I think about the oldest leaving. I like to spend some of my hours alone thinking pleasant thoughts like "next summer we will be taking senior pictures."
sniffle. Or "next year will be our last summer if he chooses to leave after his senior year!"
Insert sobbing. It's a dark hole I like to travel down and by the end, both of my kids are moved out and never come to visit and I'm stuck at home with a cowboy who doesn't talk and when he does it's about how good his cows are looking.
Insert wailing!! But I'm fine, really I'll just go sneak in awkward, forced hugs so I can smell their heads and remember when they were little and couldn't run away.
I must go now and do the things. I don't know what the things are yet cause it's raining a beautiful, slow rain, with no hail and no wind. So the things may just be sipping coffee and folding much needed laundry. But whatever the things are you must do today, I hope you find joy in them. Even if it's finding smelly socks, rotten milk cups or clean, folded laundry back in the dirty clothes pile because God forbid those monsters ever put their clothes away!!
And as always if you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship and needs help call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
Comments