This is the best time of year!

    Would you believe me if I told you I started this post a month ago?? Well you should, because I did. It is bananas how fast the days go and how busy we can be, but I just love this time of year. Even though in order for me to get to this glorious time of year I have to get through some of the shenanigans of calving, I still love it. It is so wonderful with all the smells of fresh grass, rain showers and for us country folk, branding smoke. The risk of freezing and late snowstorms is decreasing by the minute and the flowers are peaking through. It's seriously the best! My husband is not a fan of the heat but it's my jam. I can get a little cranky when it't 110 degrees out, but if you want to see a temper tantrum just come hang out with me when it's -15 and I have to be outside. It's shameful really but I loath being cold and I let it be known.
    Branding season is by far one of the busiest times of year. We are still calving the late cows, planting has started, going off to brand at neighbors and friends, all while doing the busy work of spring time at home. I love it for so many reasons. This year more than most, the fact that I get to socialize and see people other than my husband has been a huge highlight. I like him and he's great and all but his conversational skills are lacking. The one thing I would have never thought would be on the top of my list at branding time is riding horse. I have always dreamed of riding and loved watching others do it but figured I was too old to learn that fancy trick. But once the kids started riding I had a desire to learn how to ride so I could be part of fun with them and it has been the best thing I made myself learn how to do. It is so quiet and peaceful when we are all horseback and it's so wonderful to join the rest of my family. But if I am being 100% honest the learning was a terrifying experience. There was a lot of squealing, tears and praying and in the beginning it took exactly 2 beers to calm my nerves enough to ride. I am anxious by nature so being on an animal with a mind of its own sends me into a tizzy. But I get a lot of enjoyment out of getting over fears and forcing my way through the panic. I haven't always been like that. I would have called myself timid and unsure growing up. I wasn't ever the biggest fan of confrontation but the me now loves to meet things head on and if you ask my family I live for a good disagreement or challenge. I accredit that to being a survivor and proving to myself with each step of leaving my abuser and rebuilding my life, that I was capable and stronger than I knew.

    It took me 7 times of leaving my abuser to leave and stay gone. 7 fear-filled times. 7 times I told myself that was the last time he would hit me. 7 times I saw the light and somehow got drug back in. I don't know if there is anything more terrifying than leaving an abuser. It is the most confusing, gut wrenching, dangerous time for a victim of abuse. The abuser thrives on being in control and using fear to make the victim do what they want. So when a woman decides to leave he can become panicked and enraged and will do anything to make them stay. On average it takes a woman 7 times of leaving before she stays gone, and that statistic is based on her getting out dead or alive. You can add on top of that the fear of what others will think and who will believe you. Most likely your abuser has kept his evil hidden from the majority of the people in your lives so when you decide to leave there will be those who think he is so wonderful and kind. How could he possibly do the things she says he is capable of? There are so many kinds of abuse and not all of them leave a mark that is visible. So understandably, it can be hard for others to believe the horror you have been living in. If someone you know confides in you that they are being abused I beg of you, DO NOT disregard their words. Yes, there have been people who have lied about abuse in order to manipulate a situation but the majority of those who come forward with stories of abuse are actual victims who need actual help. We as victims have been told by our abuser that no one will ever believe us and if we do tell that we could lose our kids, our jobs, friends and even our lives. It takes an unbelievable courage to come forward and get help, so please take their words to heart.
     Each time I left it would become harder to tell people because I knew they were doubting I could stay gone. And all but the last time they were right. I also thought they would think I was lying because if the things I told them were actually happening, who in their right mind would go back??  I struggle to find the words to explain why I kept going back. Part of it was because I was raised that marriage vows were not something to be broken. I wasn't deep in my faith but I knew what I was told, and that was that God did not approve of divorce. Maybe it was a cop-out to stay but it felt like an utter failure to end my marriage no matter how bad the abuse. When I was at the women's shelter during one of my attempts to leave, I went to visit my pastor to get some advice. I needed to hear that it was ok and God wasn't going to condemn me for leaving. I needed hope God wasn't going to abandon me like others had. My pastor assured me that what God intended for marriage never included what I was going through. There is nothing in the Bible that says you have to stay in an abusive marriage, but there are lots of passages stating how a man should love and care for his wife and a wife to cherish her husband. There are no passages that include violence, manipulation, control and dishonesty as part of the vows we take.
     I have walked along side women who leave their situation the first time and I've walked with women who leave numerous times and some that are currently back with their abuser. What I reiterate to them each time is that no matter how many times they go back I will not judge or condemn their choice. I get it. I recently had a woman contact me who was wanting to leave but felt like she just had to give the marriage a chance. But she also said she knew that sounded dumb. My answer to her was "Do not feel ashamed of your feelings and desires to have a whole marriage." Who doesn't want their spouse to love them the way they always dreamed? The problem is, and as I told her, she is the only one that wants that. Her abuser doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing and has shown no desire to change. So I told her to pray, set limits and make a plan. If you think that sounds blase' know that as I said it and meant it, on the inside I am wanting to just drive there, snag her and the kiddos and just run. But I can't, because she has to make that move.

     I also pray for healing for both parties. I know the statistics and an abuser changing their ways and turning it all around is very rare, but I also do believe that God can work miracles. The power of prayer is astounding and I am in awe of His goodness and grace time and time again. What I do tell women is that this healing only comes when there is separation and work done to fix the individual first and then they can start to heal the relationship and rebuild from the foundation up. I do not encourage anyone to stay in an abusive relationship as the abuser works on themselves. There has to be long term change before one can even consider starting to rebuild. And this isn't the kind of change that happens overnight. It is deep, intentional, hard work on ones self. The victim needs time to work on themselves too. When I left my abuser I had no idea who I was as an individual. It takes a lot of self love, time and soul searching to overcome abuse. I cannot stress enough the importance of counseling. I wear my counseling patient badge proudly. It is the one thing that has helped the most and brought me the most healing. It took years for me find myself because I wouldn't be honest about the things I had been through, but once I did the change was astronomical. I encourage anyone who is leaving or has left to find a counseling resource because on the other side of that abuse is a freedom like no other.
     As friends and loved ones of someone in a hard place the most important thing we can do is stand beside them, listen to them, like with all of your heart and time kinda listening. We may never understand why they are doing what they are doing but we can help them find their way through it. The women at the shelter made me feel seen and not judged. They made me feel like a regular woman and I hadn't felt that in so long. And it was the littlest things, like finding me some shorts and tennis shoes and taking me with them to a gym. It was the best and most memorable effort. Why? I don't know. It just was. In a domestic violence situation it's all about survival and managing the abuse. It is so easy to lose all sense of normalcy and individuality so letting them feel like a normal person again can change their outlook and build their confidence. Build them up. They need to know they are intelligent, capable and strong.

 I could go on and on about how we can help but I have to stop somewhere or this will become a short novel. I will end with this. Love on those around you. Pray for safety. Listen to a loved one and don't just listen to answer. Listen to hear their heart. We don't always need someone to fix us, we just need to be heard.
    If you are someone one you know is in a n abusive relationship please call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.